Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, September 12, 2016
A Silent 9 to 5(er)
This has been a very long, unintended, break from blogging and I do apologise. Sort of. I mean, I'm still adjusting to this whole adulting thing so cut me some slack. :DAs always, I hope this post finds you well!
So I thought I would start off by giving you my employment history, or what I can remember of my employment history lol! You should know for privacy reasons I have altered the names of the companies I have worked for. Except one...
Pell and Bales - Age 18 - Experience: Terrible
Awful place. Awful awful. No exaggeration here, hence why I've put up the name of the place. My first paid job. Call centre. Outbound. "Telefundraising". Ugh! Need I say more? To be fair I did meet some pretty nice people but if you've ever worked in an outbound call centre AKA cold calling the British public all hours of the day, then you will understand my struggle. It just felt wrong, literally berating people until they gave money or hung up (usually the latter) for charity. Long story short, I got fired after 3 weeks. Blessing in disguise!
Disclaimer: There's absolutely nothing wrong with working for charities or on behalf of them but please do your research and make sure that most if not all proceeds are actually going towards the cause!
Call Centre Scam - Age 18/19 - Experience: Forgettable
It was forgettable because I was there for one day! Have you ever been out and some guy or girl approaches you talking about some wonderful modelling experience you could get. You get a "free" photoshoot for you and a friend. Make-up done, hair done, fancy clothes provided. All you had to do was provide your contact details and if you were selected, you would then have to pay a small deposit of £50 which you would get back once you arrived to the photoshoot. Ever experienced that? They're usually lurking outside shopping centres. Anyways I somehow managed to get a job as the "caller" who would contact the lucky person (which was everyone who provided their contact details) and inform them that they were specially selected to do the photoshoot and pressurise them into paying the £50 deposit otherwise it would be given away. Oh, did I mention it was a commission based role? Yeah, NEXT!
Some IT b2b Call Centre - Age 19 - Experience: Boring
So boring I can't even bring myself to talk about the role.
Taxi Dispatcher Place - Age 20 - Experience: Interesting
As you can see, during my teen years I was very drawn to telephone based roles. Why? It was easy money, flexible and usually doesn't require much experience. I met some awesome people at this place. Very interesting role because unbeknownst to me at the time (way before the likes of Uber surfaced) it was a very big taxi company. So they had a very big clientele, ranging from fun, quirky Americans to not-so-fun celebs using unimaginative pseudonyms.
Fun Place - Age 21 - Experience: So much fun skjdh'sjfbsujkfghdkufhdkhubf!!!!!!
Yeah, I really enjoyed my time here. I laughed, met super cool people, ate cake, got to see celebs perform... Ah, I was living the dream until reality hit. I realised very painfully that one cannot live off a zero contracted hours job when one has moved out of one's family home. Regrets? None.
That Time I Did Hospitality Agency Work - Age 20/21 - Experience: Unforgettable
Unforgettable for the wrong reasons though. Long hours, minimum wages. Not ideal. Great place to meet young, hip, people looking to make ends meet. I did learn a thing or two here so it wasn't a complete waste!
Current Place - Age 23 - Experience: TBC
So my first, super adult, full-time, 9-5 role. This role was the game changer for many reasons and I'll explain why.
- I was super broke, like no money to buy ANYTHING broke, to the point where I couldn't afford to pay for my travel home from work (previous place).
- I made it a point when I had started looking for jobs, to never go for a salary below that of my previous role, which was lucky for me as my first job paid £7ph and since then I have never worked for anything less than that. So I had grown accustomed to working for the £7-9ph roles and was content until I got this role and jumped to £13ph.
- Remember when Notorious said "mo money, mo problems" well ain't that the fucking truth! Once you start receiving fat, monthly pay checks, you develop a certain taste for the more expensive things and why shouldn't you? You worked damn hard for that money! Having expensive habits just becomes part of your life, now an expensive habit doesn't mean buying a new YSL lipstick every weekend, it simply means that £800 per month flat share seems more affordable now.
- Being the youngest person in the office (by like 15+ years) makes the office environment that little bit more awkward. Don't know that famous guy they're talking about? Yeah, that's because you weren't even alive that day he did that crazy thing on television.
- I was in it for the long-haul, even though I didn't know how long that was going to be.
So, as expected, my life did a full 360 and my independence blossomed. I was finally able to be my own person without any financial constraints which of course came at a cost. Free time. Where is it and how can I fit it around my work life? Now, don't get me wrong. The IT b2b job was 9-5 as well so I had some full time experience but this was different. Different because for the first time in my work life I chose to willingly stay behind and get work done. I'd wake up Monday morning, blink and then it would be Friday and I'd be hearing that all too familiar sentence "have a nice weekend".
This became my routine and I was content with my 'living for the weekend' life. This is not living. We are given 24 hours in a day, whilst 16-20 hours is spent on sleep, work and travel, we have a good 4-5 hours to do whatever so why waste it wishing your life away thinking about your plans for the weekend?
One of the worst things about the concept of time is how the novelty of certain things wear off quick and somehow you're left dreading each day as it comes. You spend so much time convincing yourself that this is where you're supposed to be and this is the thing that's going to help you get to the next step that you essentially lose yourself. You slowly slip into the mundane-ness of life. Nothing excites you anymore, being active becomes a chore and all you want to do is slip into an alcohol induced sleep.
What do you do when you get to that point? Well for me, the solution was fairly simple, but getting to it was the hard part because being an adult means dealing with your responsibilities especially where others are concerned, kids, siblings... parents.
So, I eventually resigned and it felt good... on to the next one!
Monday, July 18, 2016
A Silent Dreamer
What do you do when you want everything at once???I know, I know...it has been a while. I can feel the major side eye coming at me.
via GIPHY
Let me explain...
So for the past month I've been in a real shitty mood. My emotions have been all over the place to the point where I would find myself crying then 20 minutes later I'd be fine. No, this is not a time of the month thing. I just feel stuck.
I'm at a point where I'm seeing my friends and people my age achieving great things. Attaining degrees, running successful businesses, making major progressions in their careers, becoming mothers etc. and here I am, stuck.
I can imagine what you're thinking...you shouldn't compare your life to others, we're all on a different path etc. I know, I know :(
Do you wanna know my weekly routine? Work, gym and the occasional social gathering. Life is not as simple as the inspirational "go get'em" type quotes we see all over social media. I'm at a point in my life where I feel as though I'm in the exact same position as I was in last year and that is daunting. That is my definition of stuck, hence the constant shitty mood. I feel as though I could spend the rest of this blog post groaning on about how miserable my life is but we must move on...
So what's next???
I. Have. No. Idea.
Lol.
Bet you thought this post had a point huh? Some motivational speech coming your way. Something to brighten up your Monday blues? Not gonna find that here, I'm afraid.
I kid! I mean at this point in time I have nothing inspirational to say but if like me, you find yourself in the same situation, go to the shop get some cake/ice-cream and have a good long cry. When you're done sleep it off and ask yourself what do you want to do now? It is an important question because you're not asking what do you want in the future or even what you want next week. What do you want now?! Like right now. Do you go to work/school as normal. Do you spend the next couple of hours sitting in the park? Is today the day you get out of bed or nah?
Take each day as it comes and somehow a plan starts to formulate...somehow.
I was going to write about the 9-5 life to be fair but I shall leave that to another blog post!
Night folks!
Saturday, May 21, 2016
A Silent Singleton
Hi Guys!
I do hope this blog post finds you well...
If not, just remember you have eyes, a decent Internet connection and the ability to read the ramblings of a 23 year old Londoner. So life's pretty good!
Now smile for me!
Soo from the blog title you can gather what this post is going to be about... uh-huh, I'm going to talk about the single life. Woohoo!
First of all, can I just say being single, not a bad thing. It's not some shameful hat we have to wear to show the world of our damming ways. It's just a temporary thing, unless you're single by choice in which case, do you boo!
That being said, I don't think it's good to sit on your bum, twiddling your thumbs waiting for your knight in shining armour to whisk you off your feet. I'm aiming this one at the ladies! Seriously, you are single for a reason, whether it's by choice or because you keep taking trips to Douchebag'r'Us. Take that single time and work on you!
Now, I'm not going to dissect each and every one of my failed relationships but I will say this: trying to convince yourself that you're ready to be in a relationship is a sure-fire way to a failed relationship. I did this a lot.
The worst thing you can do to yourself (as well as the other person involved) is to tell yourself over and over again that you like this person enough to be in a relationship with them. I did this in my last "relationship" and it wonderfully backfired on me.
I'm sure many can relate to this but it's nice being liked, you know! Especially when the person really likes you and you start to think 'well I'm not going to get any better than this' so you stick around and hope for the best - and that my dears is what you call SETTLING!
So after I got out of my "relationship" I started thinking about stuff, well me, I started thinking about me. It was the first time I asked myself, 'are you actually ready to be with someone? Or were you just lonely?' because those are two different things. Which brings me to my next point...
Don't confuse loneliness with wanting to be in a relationship.
It's like sometimes when you think you're hungry but actually you're just thirsty - this is a thing by the way.
At some point you have to ask yourself, 'am I ready to share myself with somebody else?' I did not realize how important that is until recently because I really wasn't ready for that. Opening myself up, sharing my feelings, talking about my past, I couldn't do it. I was a closed book so yes *Bob, if you're reading this, you were right, kinda. Still a prick though.
So now its time to find yourself, corny, cliché but true. Go on a rediscovery of you. Figure out those things that make you a great person, for me it was rediscovering books again and returning to blogging. I'm loving having time to myself and working towards the things I want to achieve in the future because when you do meet someone and get into a relationship you have to bring something to the table right? What's your ying to his/her yang?
 |
| Being single means taking the time to admire pretty flowers - Chanel L |
I do love my romantic comedies but boy do they distort some things for me. Typically, I know what to expect out of a relationship because I know what I want but sometimes I do wonder if those things are heavily influenced by the type of movies I've watched over the years - The Notebook, Dear John, Love Rosie type of movies...
Does that type of love even exist?
Anyways! The morale of the story is, don't jump out of the plane if your parachute is not strapped on properly.
That makes sense right? Good.
x
Monday, May 9, 2016
A Silent Rambler: The Diluted Nigerian Edition (Part 2)
Welcome one, welcome all!
Too lavish a greeting? Yeah, I thought as much…
I feel like in my posts I have to address the reader in some
way, acknowledge that there is a presence reading my stuff, judging, waiting…
Ok maybe not judging and waiting but I know somewhere in the world someone is
reading this, so, Hi!
 |
| Pic above - On the bridge leaving Victoria Island - Lagos |
So the ‘Diluted Nigerian’ has returned to Nigeria! After 12 long years, I was reunited with my grandmother. I must admit, I pictured this moment in my head so many times, each time I would burst out crying whilst clinging unto her, cherishing the moment whilst onlookers admired the endearing scene from a distance…dramatic, I know. The reality, not so dramatic but still very cute. Shall I set the scene?
It is a warm, sticky
afternoon in Nigeria. I had just flown into Owerri (my mother’s hometown) on a
local flight from Lagos (pronounced Lay-gohs NOT Lah-gos – If you’ve seen the
new Captain America movie then you’ll understand the reference). My cousin is
waiting for me at the baggage carousel and informs me that my grandmother is
waiting outside by the chairs and I started to consider if waiting for my
luggage to arrive was really worth it, I just wanted to see her. Even in that
moment I could still see myself breaking down crying upon seeing her face, the
tension started building. Swarms of people in front me lazily pulling their
suitcases behind them as they begrudgingly left the cool comfort of the aiport
building into the unwelcoming, sweltering Nigerian heat – how’s that for
dramatics? ;)
It’s like my cousin
could smell the air of impatience around me and insisted on taking my suitcase
as I proceeded to squeeze myself through the crowd. Then I hear her call my
name in her sweet motherly tone, the faces of irrelevant people around me
become blurred and all I can see is my grandma, teary eyed, with frail arms
beckoning me over to her.
Now, don’t get me wrong there was clinging of all sorts, we
hugged, marvelled at how time had aged both of us in different ways and hugged
again. I became teary eyed but that was it. Not a drop rolled down my cheek, I
just simply smiled at her and it was nice. It was a really nice moment, we
walked out of the airport hand in hand and made our way to my cousin’s
air-conditioned car.
 |
| 'Hand of Rochas' Statue - Owerri |
Sunday, April 24, 2016
A Silent Reflection...
Hallo again!If you happen to be a regular viewer of this blog, I do hope you like the revamp! I thought I'd go for the whole 'New year, New me' look ;)
There are some not-so-hidden extras on the blog now, I'm trying to include a little bit of something for everyone, if you're into that sort of thing otherwise...thanks for swinging by *waves frantically*
So I guess now would be the time to reflect.
As I started writing on the blog again, it felt somewhat different this time round. Looking back at my previous posts from four years ago, I can suddenly feel the change in me. Which is weird, right? Why would it take me 4 years to notice a difference in myself. But life! Life happened and I got so caught up in the changes I barely stopped to come up for air.
It's funny actually, when I rediscovered the blog I randomly started reading my old posts and all I could think was 'Damn! I was really depressed!' so it made me wonder what random people must have thought of me as they read my page.
I'm not afraid to admit now that I needed help, back then was a scary time for me. I felt broken. Lost. Practically inconsolable. Even now when I talk about my depression I play it off as lightly as I could, it's still a tricky subject for me but I know in order to help someone who I believe is going through something similar, I should share my experiences and let them know they have someone there to support them.
Nothing else in this world can isolate you more than depression. I did everything in my power to make those around me believe that I was ok, so much so that every time I plastered a fake smile across my face and said 'Everything's fine' I felt myself die a little inside. I resented myself.
The advancement of social media, medicine, society as a whole has encouraged more people to come forward and talk about their experiences with mental health. We see it represented on our TV shows, various public figures are coming out to tell their stories, we have an entire week dedicated to mental health awareness and yet when I open up about my attempted suicide, I'm met with the same responses. "Oh Chanel, why would you want to kill yourself?" "You shouldn't do that you know, you won't go to heaven"
So naturally I close up, the walls are erected again, the doors are shut, blinds pulled down. Please stop talking.
I know no harm is meant in these type of statements and I don't expect someone to break down crying for me upon hearing that revelation. Just a little empathy. That's it. The decision to take one's life is not as simple as the decision to pop down to the shops for some bread.
After my first suicide attempt (yes, there was more than one) I remember the nurse asking me how I felt and I said I felt disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn't even get a suicide attempt right.
I didn't see myself going to heaven, I didn't see myself getting better, I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I certainly didn't see how it would affect those who cared about me. All I saw was a loophole out of my situation and death was that loophole.
If I could describe my depression in one word it would be 'darkness'. From the way that I viewed the world, to how I felt inside everyday. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy and it's certainly not something people should be afraid to talk about. I'm trying to find a way to bring out positive outcomes from my past experiences.
I'm not magically healed from depression, believe me it has been a long and stressful journey to the Chanel that I am today! I still have down days and I'm petrified that at any moment I could relapse back into my depressive thoughts but I'm surrounded by good people who have supported me through my lowest moments. My faith in Christ has been the foundation for my recovery and writing has really helped me release pent up tension.
So eventually things do get better because I can't sugar-coat it and tell you that all problems magically disappear in one go. They don't. The human mind is fragile and there are some things we can never fully recover from but we learn to live with it. We learn to slowly release all pain and anguish and finally allow love back in because it's possible and we are awesome.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
A Silent Rambler: The Diluted Nigerian Edition
Hallo!After a recent trip to Germany, I've have now resolved to saying that at any given opportunity. I am thoroughly enjoying it!
How are you all? It has been a while, I know, but I'm back and I'm better! Well I hope so...otherwise what are we really doing here?
So in this blog post I thought I'd discuss something that has pretty much plagued me half my life. As you may have guessed by now I'm Nigerian. Someone posed an interesting question on twitter, that has still got me thinking...
Do you identify more with your race, your nationality or your heritage? - I'm just paraphrasing but essentially this was the question asked.
Like many people I know, I grew up in the UK. My accent is as English as they come, when you live in a place as culturally diverse as London you can't help but pick 'traits' from the cultures you surround yourself with. So I really struggled to answer this question, I genuinely don't know. Growing up I had a Bangladeshi best friend, my "boyfriend" (I was only 8) was white and I was surrounded with people of all races. That didn't take away from my ethnicity, it didn't make me any less of a Nigerian...or so I thought.
So let's fast forward to 13 year old me, out and about socialising with friends and someone says to me "Why are you so white?" That was the first time I had ever heard anything like that addressed to me, so naturally I didn't know what to say. All I could do was laugh and shrug it off.
That brings me to my next point, the 'Diluted Nigerian' a term coined by my younger sister in an attempt to explain why I am the way I am. You're Nigerian but you're not really Nigerian.
See, I don't know what one would call the main attributes of a 'typical Nigerian' as these things could be applied to any race. However, whatever made up these attributes could not be applied to me henceforth the 'Diluted Nigerian'. I'm not a fan of most Nigerian food, I don't speak any Nigerian language, I don't behave like a Nigerian girl...I don't look Nigerian...I dunno...
Since that life awakening moment at 13, it was years of "you speak like a white person", "you act like a proper white person you know", "you're so white" YAWN!
I'm well spoken. I will skelewu till my limbs fall off but can also spend the day listening to the likes of Erik Satie and Tchaikovsky. I can spend the whole day eating Jollof rice and plantain but I really wanna make the most perfect Hollandaise sauce to accompany my poached eggs an I would like to try consommé one day.
Are these the attributes that make me white? Hell no!
I have many Ghanaian friends that I spend a lot of time with, so naturally I believe I'm Ghanaian sometimes ha! I spent 3 days in Germany and once I left all I wanted to do was speak fluent German. I guess you could say I'm impressionable but hey, what are you gonna do? Meh!
I am Chanel, a British-born Nigerian, I speak Spanish pretty well, I have a basic understanding of Italian and Portuguese and I'm looking to take up British Sign Language. I'm going to take up some snow-boarding lessons in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty excited about that!
This is me, world! *gets ready to sing a big dance number*
A Silent Blogger: Updates
People are still saying 'Happy New year' right?If so, then here is a very, very unbelievably belated Happy New Year to the folks who are still coming across this page. :D
I guess I should address the elephant in the room: why I'm back...
It's been playing on my mind for a while ...like for 4 years as that was the last time I posted something. Hehe sorry about that!
I figured that you either get busy doing or get busy dying - I think that's the saying. I'm not after awards, accolades or attention, I'm here because I'm a silent rambler. I have something to say and writing helps me to get out the words I'm too afraid to say out loud.
SO I'M BACK BITCHES!
I have updates on my life. As this is a personal blog, I think you should know what I've been up to in the past 4 years if you wanna know I guess... ;)
Uni: So as I mentioned in previous blog posts I was feeling quite confused about university and the life I had created for myself. Long story short, I left the following year. It was a hard decision but I was really unhappy, like really unhappy. It didn't feel like I was progressing forward with my life so I decided to take a gap year (by that time I was in employment) and never returned. No regrets.
There will be a more detailed blog post on this in the near future.
Work: I'm currently in full time employment at a university in London (ironic, no?)...have been so for almost two years now. Yikes! It has been my longest running job to date and I feel hella grown up, however I'm the youngest in my department sooo yeah.
Home life: In the year I decided to leave uni for good I also moved out of my family home. That one wasn't such a huge decision to make. When being in a negative situation starts to physically affect your health then you gotta get out right? I've been moving around quite a bit but not fully settled yet, however I'm happy, so all is well.
Love life: Haha! Doesn't exist.
I promise this is not some random annual post, I will stick around this time. There's no scheduled time for the posts it's just going to be as and when I can, so watch this space! - I'm happy that I have now applied that phrase into a sentence. :D
Chanel
x
Monday, November 19, 2012
A Seriously Confused Me
Hey Hey Hey!I just realized that in each blog I write I always come up with some funky greeting, what happened to the good old 'hello'? Maybe next time :)
It has been a while but I have been through an emotional ride these past couple of days (no surprise there) and instead of letting out my emotions through my writing, i just let them out, like in the most unhealthiest way you could imagine. Yeah that shit was cray.
However, as I still have a bunch (a select handful really) of readers that still find interest in my blog, I thought I'd share my emotional breakdown with you :) yay you!
So I decided to see a counselor last week, to which I bet you're thinking 'at last she seeks help!'. It was interesting, cos I knew I was emotional, I just didn't realise just how depressed I was. I can only assume that my readers have a couple more brain cells than I do, so you must have picked that up from my previous blogs right?
Anyway, that session just happened to drill a little peep hole into what my life really was and then suck out every last bit of sanity I had left in me. In a way that was what I needed, but then it kinda wasn't. Now when I look at myself I see someone who hasn't been genuinely happy for a long time, not to say that I've had a bad life but I've just let the bad things get me down for a long time. Have you ever lost control of your emotions? Now I don't mean 'oh dear, I seem to be tearing up and I don't know why' I'm talking about the serious stuff, because that's what I felt. I'm one of those crazy people that like to keep their life in some form of control, everyone likes to feel like they have some form of control over their life even if they don't. For me I thought my emotions was one of those things I had control over, then I literally just lost it, I felt angry, sad, alone, confused, hurt and scared all at the same time.
I experienced my first (and hopefully last) nervous breakdown and that scared me. I didn't know who I was anymore, my life didn't feel like it belonged to me anymore and trust me if you've never felt something like that, it's not something I'd even want my worst enemy to experience.
Fear is the worst emotion we humans can experience. Sometimes we need it cos it can prevent us from doing stupid things but it can also prevent us from doing everything. So after my breakdown I had some sort of an epiphany, it gave me a little insight as to why I'm not happy. My life has become so mundane I believe it's literally driving me crazy! I spend my life in my room on a day to day basis, sometimes I go to lectures and I seldom go out socializing, it really is just me and my own company. Sad right?
I don't know how it got to that but then it got me thinking, I started to think about the younger me, I used to think I was such a loser back then, with the way I dressed, how I spoke, the things I did but now I envy that girl I used to be.
That girl had dreams, ambition, she had a LIFE! I wanted to be a writer, I was actually good at it, I had my first poem published in an anthology when I was 10, I got through 5 books a week! I entered loads of writing competitions and got to go on a tour of the Evening Standard, I wrote poems, a novel at one point and I was working on a screenplay and I wasn't even 16 by then. Back then I didn't write as a hobby, I wrote because that was what I wanted my dream job to be, the only person that supported me was my mum. As cliche as it may sound, when she died, my dreams died with her.
It's good to support people you genuinely believe in, because you have no idea what you're doing for their life and they will appreciate it more than you can imagine. Venus and Serena wouldn't have become one of the worlds most successful tennis players if their dad hadn't had taken them to practice every other day!
Now I'm confused because I don't know what I want, I don't know if I can go back into writing like I used to, for one thing I honestly don't think I'm good at it and I miss having my mum telling me I can do it. Self-motivation is just not the same.
However what I do know is where I want to be and university is not that place. Took me a while to realise it but I'm glad I did. One of my friends announced on Facebook that she is going to France for 8 months to be an au pair, I was so happy for her and then I felt that all too familiar pang of jealousy. All I could think of was how happy she was going to be, all the amazing things she would experience and I knew for a fact that she'd come back speaking fluent french!
My mother went to France for six months and she came back speaking fluent french! All of that got me thinking, WHAT IN GOD'S ALMIGHTY NAME AM I DOING HERE???
I've been studying Spanish for a good 5 years, its time for me to experience it properly! I've wanted to travel for years, everyone wants to travel to be fair but I was never 100% sure about uni, I questioned it too many times to be sure. I spend all my time in my room, I barely attend lectures and I live with a bunch of people who are as stimulating as fish!
So my confusion comes in the form of what to do now. I feel stuck, I have no money, no job and worst of all I live with Nigerian parents, how on earth do I tell them that I want to drop out of uni????????
As I kept going on about my countless poems and blah blah blah, I thought you might like to see one of my works, which is quite recent so its not really my old stuff I wrote it shortly after my mum died, but here it is, judge for yourself:
Remember
Remember that place we called home,
Where fatherless children awaited their fate as their
mothers hummed to songs she didn’t even know the words to.
Remember that place we called home,
Where laughter filled the empty voices of those who couldn’t
cry anymore, weaknesses suddenly became hidden strengths and the spiders in the
attic didn’t scare us anymore.
Remember how we used to envy the neighbours because their
happiness seemed cheaper than ours, the drug-dealers became our friends and
school was our safe haven.
Do you remember that place we called home?
Yeah, me neither.
Chanel L
Monday, October 29, 2012
An Abandoned Me (Part 2)
Shocking(!)
So, here I am again...
It never stops does it? I bet you're wondering (if you ever do wonder about my uninteresting life) what is it now? I remember those times in secondary school when I used to cry (that was on a daily basis) and people would come up to me and be like "what is it now?" "what happened to you this time?". I never cried for attention, if anything I like to think I tried to hide my tears, however it was then that I realised people either never cared for your problems in the first place or they just stopped caring. This is not to say that I had bullies or anything but... i didn't know what to answer when someone asked "what's wrong with you now?"
I just felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness, it would go on for weeks at a time, everyday I cried, obviously not in massive outbursts but like the silent tears streaming down your cheeks kind of thing. I remembered challenging myself everyday 'you have to go at least one day without crying, just try and manage that at least'. I couldn't. Today, not much is different to be perfectly honest. Well I don't cry everyday anymore, sometimes I have decent days, other days I guess I feel nothing, not even contempt. I still feel sad though. Ever had one of those days, weeks or months when you just feel miserable, like you can't seem to get out of this funk of emptiness.
I cried today, for reasons i shall not delve into in detail, but yeah, I cried. So I started typing cos, like I explained before, this is my outlet.
To be honest with you, I just wanna give up on myself, it seems like everyone else has. I know I'm throwing myself an awesome self-pity party right now but I can't help it. I don't even think it's a thing where I feel sorry for myself, I think I just loathe myself. It sounds weird but it makes sense.
There are simple solutions to people with pathetic problems like mine, if you're sad, be happy or better yet take happy pills. If you're lonely, go stand in a crowd. If you're feeling abandoned... well its the same thing really, surround yourself with people.
So what's my problem?
If you've gotten this far, then kudos to you, you're probably thinking this girl needs a psychiatrist. I probably do to be fair lol!
However, let me ask you a question. When things continuously go wrong in your life, again and again, over and over its the same bullsh*t, do you continue to take it?
'It can't be that bad' 'Of course you continue to take it, that's life, suck it up' - Fairly obvious responses.
What if you're not mentally strong enough anymore?
I said in my previous blogs that everything is a state of mind, I'm still a firm believer of that, but what if your state of mind is not in a good place? Cos mine isn't, it hasn't been for a long time and I know that because its been affecting my health, my panic attacks are becoming more frequent and I've got low blood pressure. I'm 19. That's not even normal is it?
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, I'd also be lying if I said I'd never felt suicidal. You just deal with these things right? Brush it off. Move on. Nothing happened. Such is life, there are always people in worse off positions than you.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if whatever you're thinking correlates with what I would have guessed as appropriate responses to my crap, then by all means you're right. I need to get a hold of myself. Its just better for me to pour out at least half of my thoughts on a public blog than to keep it bottled up!
I don't get many views (no surprise there) I don't care really, but if you are viewing this, thanks for reading the crappy rantings of a silent rambler! :)
Sunday, October 21, 2012
A Committed Me
Helloo! *George Takei's voice*This is just a quick update into the very uninteresting life of yours truly!
However things have just got interesting as I've decided to do a sponsored skydive next month to raise money for Stand Up 2 Cancer, which is a charity created by the media (believe it or not) to aid Cancer Research.
My mother passed away from breast cancer almost four years ago, I almost lost an aunt (who was also a very close friend to my mum) to cancer and unfortunately I've had two friends who have lost one of their parents to cancer. So as you can see cancer has become far too familiar and comfortable with humanity. Let's face it, it scares the shit out of you doesn't it?
I always believed that fear was a state of mind, its all in your head. I still do, but if you asked me what my fears were you'd probably want to place my head on your shoulder and pat it sympathetically or you'd just slap me. Either way I can admit that I have some pretty irrational fears, however my fear of cancer seems somewhat rational, but it shouldn't right? Not for me, or you or anyone!
So these past couple of weeks, those were the thoughts that were racing through my head and I thought why not play tit for tat with cancer. Confront one of my biggest fears in order to challenge the other, at first the plan was to touch a spider but I'd rather be dead, and cremated, before that happens. So like any sane human being I went for bigger! Heights scare me, what's more death defying and terrifying than free falling from a plane whilst being 10.000 ft up in the air? Touching spiders that's what!
So that's what it is my dear reader, I'm going to literally take a leap of faith (a giant one at that) to raise money, to defeat my fear of heights, to challenge the odds of cancer, to make my mama proud, to make my sisters never forget, to give something back to the woman who raised my sisters and I for 15 years before she took her rightful place in heaven.
Wish me luck!
I welcome everyone's support and donations so please feel free to check my page (listed below) and donate as much (or as little) as you can!
www.justgiving.com/Chanel-Leadeham
Saturday, October 13, 2012
An Abandoned Me
Oi! That means hello in Portuguese. I study portuguese. I'm one of those language people. :DIt has been a while, the title of this blog has a lot to answer for that. I guess everyone has felt abandoned in one way or another, you know, like when you're meant to meet up with someone but they're running late so you feel alone ...also kinda like an idiot. Point being, the feeling of being left totally alone, physically as well as emotionally can be ...well sad, for lack of a better word.
As you may or may not have guessed this will be a pretty depressing post, however I don't care, so neither should you really.
I always used to (and pretty much still do) just watch people and see how happy they looked. So damn happy. Then I'd think of course they look happy, no one is gonna walk around with a sign around their neck airing all their problems.
Life is shit. Humans are awful (given the very few exceptions) but we deal with these inconveniences; death, heartbreak,bankruptcy ...you see where I'm going with this.
So how does one deal with these things? Find a hobby perhaps? A distraction of some sort? Bottle it up deep inside and hope no one ever discovers it? I say all of the above (maybe with the exception of the last one) an output is what EVERYONE needs in life. Of course you knew that, you're just waiting for me to get to my point, however like in my other blogs i have no point, I'm just making an observation. People are always looking for an answer to life, myself included, we search through music, art, words, books, pretty much everything. There's no answer to life. Who here on earth has an answer to life?
Instead of trying to "find ourselves" or find "meaning in life" let's just follow the lyrics of every single pop song in the world and LIVE! What else is life for?
You see how I made my transition from feeling abandoned to living life? The word random doesn't even cover me anymore!
Maybe it stems from childhood (the abandonment not the randomness) my real "father" ditching my mother and I before she even gave birth to me, can that even be used an excuse? Sadly enough, don't children experience that even more in this day and age? Maybe I do isolate myself from others, I always used being 'a quiet person' as an excuse but I know i can talk! People close to me know that I can talk. So what is it then, how can I be in a room filled with people I know and feel like I'm not even present in the room? Who cares right?
I'm going to own who I am, I am QUIET, but I'm an observer. I enjoy sitting in a room listening to my friends having a conversation being crazy AF (sad i know) if my input is needed then believe me, my opinion will be put across. I value myself as a human being, i have personal issues but no one else can tell me who I am or who I'm supposed to be. That's the same as everyone else (even you blog reading person) that's what defines individuality, you are you, no one else!
I like quiet me, I enjoy my own company at times and I still have a lot to discover about myself! So maybe feeling abandoned doesn't lie with me being who I am, maybe its with the company I keep...
But not my London bebbys, I love my London bebbys!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
A More Humbled Me
Helloo!Thus begins my escape to the blogging world, where I voice out my inner most thoughts to anyone and everyone who's looking for something to read!
A more humbled me experienced quite an emotional roller coaster since the last post. It was officially the start of a new semester even though i couldn't find my lecture (turns out i didn't have one) also the month of Black History, Nigerian Independence and my dear mother's birthday who would've turned 47 yesterday. It was also a day in which i experienced my first panic attack of the month, which of course you can imagine was a joyous occasion(!).
If I've learned anything within the past month, it would be that (1) you can never rely on anyone, sometimes even yourself (depending on the situation). (2) The term "family" is completely bullsh*t (3) I've developed an unhealthy obsession with Rihanna.
I guess the one that would strike you the most, for those of you who may or may not know me, is the second one: Family.
When you're a child "family" is just those people you happen to live with, that also happen to share the same bloodline (including that annoying auntie who is of no relation to you whatsoever). As you get older (whilst still being forced to attend family gatherings) those "aunties" and "uncles" who used to visit your parents all the time and bring boxes of Quality Street (cos they were too stingy to get Celebrations or just give you the money) just kinda disappear don't they?
In my particular case, these strange disappearances started to happen shortly after my mums death, which at that time i was only 15 so i didn't really get it, or care for it either. I was one of the 'out of control' teens after my mum passed away, i hated everyone and everything, i just held so much anger in me. Of course like anything that has that amount of pressure building up in it, i exploded, verbally. Ever had one of those outbursts in which its just word vomit spillaging out at someone insignificant? Yeah that was me except that "insignificant someone" just happened to be my dad.
Ahh the plot thickens! Anyways to cut an extremely long story short, my father and i have always had a dodgy relationship, maybe cos he's not my real father and i only found out (through my mum's sister) a couple of months after my mum died, so I've always subconsciously felt like he holds some kind of resentment towards me OR cos i was never really a daddy's girl. Who knows? :)
However i will always have that respect for him cos he took on another mans child, it takes A LOT to do something like that and i studied psychology so i would know.
As far as our "relationship" is concerned i believe that to be well and truly over, it has reached its final tether in these past couple of months and like Cher's career, there's no reviving it.
So where does 'A More Humbled Me' come in, you may wonder. Well my enlightened reader, it doesn't. I decided a couple of months ago to be more in touch with my spiritual side, my spiritual side being God and in the bible it says you must humble yourself before the Lord and he will lift you up (James 4:10). Humility is not something you see often in people today and after watching Rihanna's interview with Oprah, it opened me up to something i don't think anyone really thought they'd see in an artist like Rihanna, the ability to be humble.
What did that teach me? Life is a BITCH unless you're good to her. Emotional wounds always take longer to heal but if you humble yourself, it makes the journey to self healing that much more easier.
Friday, September 28, 2012
So this blogging thing ... How does it work? Lol!
Where do I start?
A silent rambler would come off as an oxymoron ... wouldn't it? Well kinda! I guess i should introduce myself, starting with the most obvious being my name: Chanel :)
I'm 19 and born and bred in Landaan, however currently "studying" in Hull uni.
I do realise that this is not so very interesting for my first blog but that's what it is, my first blog.
So if you find yourself losing interest, feel free to leave or return a couple of blogs later when i become an established blogger!
I had so much i wanted to say before! I used to be a writer, loved writing poems, stories, a little screen play at one point. Then my mother passed and i just refused to write, my way of punishing the world i guess (yes, i was slightly big headed) but i shall leave that story for another post.
However i can say that the irony in that little story is that by refusing to write i was punishing myself, I was never much of a talker so writing was my "thing" but once i stopped writing, its like i stopped speaking.
Hence the reason for the name: A Silent Rambler! That, people, is what i am, a silent rambler. I will own that with pride!
I believe confused would be the best adjective to use on me, why, you may wonder, but for those who do know me they would see me as indecisive. Indecisive people are generally confused human beings. Like any other person i feel to question everything, why this? Why that? Why us? That's what Galileo was mainly about as a philosopher, questioning life. So I decided to adopt that type of thought processing. Is it healthy? Probably not. Do I question God as a result? Chances are i probably am.
My main point here is, I'm a firm believer of life, there is a reason behind life, there is a reason behind me sitting here in my uni accommodation writing a random blog and theres a reason behind the unlucky soul who had the misfortune of reading it up to this point. My question here is why? Is there a psychological process behind it all? Are we really free as humans? Think about it. We create limitations for ourselves and although its well and good knowing that you can 'be whatever you to be' and 'live the life you love and love the life you live'. Can we really? Is it really an individual that can limit what you want to do or is it life itself that limits what you can do?
Your social status will always come with limitations that are imposed by society, by the world, by the way of life. An individual or better yet a group of individuals can not stop you from doing what you want to do, all they can do is offer you encouragement and that comes in two forms: the good kind and the bad kind.
Whether you choose to listen ... well thats your choice but doesn't it all just confuse you? :)
I'm a thinker and everything that has been done in this little world of ours, it all starts with a state of mind.
I like that picture :)
Where do I start?
A silent rambler would come off as an oxymoron ... wouldn't it? Well kinda! I guess i should introduce myself, starting with the most obvious being my name: Chanel :)
I'm 19 and born and bred in Landaan, however currently "studying" in Hull uni.
I do realise that this is not so very interesting for my first blog but that's what it is, my first blog.
So if you find yourself losing interest, feel free to leave or return a couple of blogs later when i become an established blogger!
I had so much i wanted to say before! I used to be a writer, loved writing poems, stories, a little screen play at one point. Then my mother passed and i just refused to write, my way of punishing the world i guess (yes, i was slightly big headed) but i shall leave that story for another post.
However i can say that the irony in that little story is that by refusing to write i was punishing myself, I was never much of a talker so writing was my "thing" but once i stopped writing, its like i stopped speaking.
Hence the reason for the name: A Silent Rambler! That, people, is what i am, a silent rambler. I will own that with pride!
I believe confused would be the best adjective to use on me, why, you may wonder, but for those who do know me they would see me as indecisive. Indecisive people are generally confused human beings. Like any other person i feel to question everything, why this? Why that? Why us? That's what Galileo was mainly about as a philosopher, questioning life. So I decided to adopt that type of thought processing. Is it healthy? Probably not. Do I question God as a result? Chances are i probably am.
My main point here is, I'm a firm believer of life, there is a reason behind life, there is a reason behind me sitting here in my uni accommodation writing a random blog and theres a reason behind the unlucky soul who had the misfortune of reading it up to this point. My question here is why? Is there a psychological process behind it all? Are we really free as humans? Think about it. We create limitations for ourselves and although its well and good knowing that you can 'be whatever you to be' and 'live the life you love and love the life you live'. Can we really? Is it really an individual that can limit what you want to do or is it life itself that limits what you can do?
Your social status will always come with limitations that are imposed by society, by the world, by the way of life. An individual or better yet a group of individuals can not stop you from doing what you want to do, all they can do is offer you encouragement and that comes in two forms: the good kind and the bad kind.
Whether you choose to listen ... well thats your choice but doesn't it all just confuse you? :)
I'm a thinker and everything that has been done in this little world of ours, it all starts with a state of mind.
I like that picture :)
