Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Monday, September 12, 2016
A Silent 9 to 5(er)
This has been a very long, unintended, break from blogging and I do apologise. Sort of. I mean, I'm still adjusting to this whole adulting thing so cut me some slack. :DAs always, I hope this post finds you well!
So I thought I would start off by giving you my employment history, or what I can remember of my employment history lol! You should know for privacy reasons I have altered the names of the companies I have worked for. Except one...
Pell and Bales - Age 18 - Experience: Terrible
Awful place. Awful awful. No exaggeration here, hence why I've put up the name of the place. My first paid job. Call centre. Outbound. "Telefundraising". Ugh! Need I say more? To be fair I did meet some pretty nice people but if you've ever worked in an outbound call centre AKA cold calling the British public all hours of the day, then you will understand my struggle. It just felt wrong, literally berating people until they gave money or hung up (usually the latter) for charity. Long story short, I got fired after 3 weeks. Blessing in disguise!
Disclaimer: There's absolutely nothing wrong with working for charities or on behalf of them but please do your research and make sure that most if not all proceeds are actually going towards the cause!
Call Centre Scam - Age 18/19 - Experience: Forgettable
It was forgettable because I was there for one day! Have you ever been out and some guy or girl approaches you talking about some wonderful modelling experience you could get. You get a "free" photoshoot for you and a friend. Make-up done, hair done, fancy clothes provided. All you had to do was provide your contact details and if you were selected, you would then have to pay a small deposit of £50 which you would get back once you arrived to the photoshoot. Ever experienced that? They're usually lurking outside shopping centres. Anyways I somehow managed to get a job as the "caller" who would contact the lucky person (which was everyone who provided their contact details) and inform them that they were specially selected to do the photoshoot and pressurise them into paying the £50 deposit otherwise it would be given away. Oh, did I mention it was a commission based role? Yeah, NEXT!
Some IT b2b Call Centre - Age 19 - Experience: Boring
So boring I can't even bring myself to talk about the role.
Taxi Dispatcher Place - Age 20 - Experience: Interesting
As you can see, during my teen years I was very drawn to telephone based roles. Why? It was easy money, flexible and usually doesn't require much experience. I met some awesome people at this place. Very interesting role because unbeknownst to me at the time (way before the likes of Uber surfaced) it was a very big taxi company. So they had a very big clientele, ranging from fun, quirky Americans to not-so-fun celebs using unimaginative pseudonyms.
Fun Place - Age 21 - Experience: So much fun skjdh'sjfbsujkfghdkufhdkhubf!!!!!!
Yeah, I really enjoyed my time here. I laughed, met super cool people, ate cake, got to see celebs perform... Ah, I was living the dream until reality hit. I realised very painfully that one cannot live off a zero contracted hours job when one has moved out of one's family home. Regrets? None.
That Time I Did Hospitality Agency Work - Age 20/21 - Experience: Unforgettable
Unforgettable for the wrong reasons though. Long hours, minimum wages. Not ideal. Great place to meet young, hip, people looking to make ends meet. I did learn a thing or two here so it wasn't a complete waste!
Current Place - Age 23 - Experience: TBC
So my first, super adult, full-time, 9-5 role. This role was the game changer for many reasons and I'll explain why.
- I was super broke, like no money to buy ANYTHING broke, to the point where I couldn't afford to pay for my travel home from work (previous place).
- I made it a point when I had started looking for jobs, to never go for a salary below that of my previous role, which was lucky for me as my first job paid £7ph and since then I have never worked for anything less than that. So I had grown accustomed to working for the £7-9ph roles and was content until I got this role and jumped to £13ph.
- Remember when Notorious said "mo money, mo problems" well ain't that the fucking truth! Once you start receiving fat, monthly pay checks, you develop a certain taste for the more expensive things and why shouldn't you? You worked damn hard for that money! Having expensive habits just becomes part of your life, now an expensive habit doesn't mean buying a new YSL lipstick every weekend, it simply means that £800 per month flat share seems more affordable now.
- Being the youngest person in the office (by like 15+ years) makes the office environment that little bit more awkward. Don't know that famous guy they're talking about? Yeah, that's because you weren't even alive that day he did that crazy thing on television.
- I was in it for the long-haul, even though I didn't know how long that was going to be.
So, as expected, my life did a full 360 and my independence blossomed. I was finally able to be my own person without any financial constraints which of course came at a cost. Free time. Where is it and how can I fit it around my work life? Now, don't get me wrong. The IT b2b job was 9-5 as well so I had some full time experience but this was different. Different because for the first time in my work life I chose to willingly stay behind and get work done. I'd wake up Monday morning, blink and then it would be Friday and I'd be hearing that all too familiar sentence "have a nice weekend".
This became my routine and I was content with my 'living for the weekend' life. This is not living. We are given 24 hours in a day, whilst 16-20 hours is spent on sleep, work and travel, we have a good 4-5 hours to do whatever so why waste it wishing your life away thinking about your plans for the weekend?
One of the worst things about the concept of time is how the novelty of certain things wear off quick and somehow you're left dreading each day as it comes. You spend so much time convincing yourself that this is where you're supposed to be and this is the thing that's going to help you get to the next step that you essentially lose yourself. You slowly slip into the mundane-ness of life. Nothing excites you anymore, being active becomes a chore and all you want to do is slip into an alcohol induced sleep.
What do you do when you get to that point? Well for me, the solution was fairly simple, but getting to it was the hard part because being an adult means dealing with your responsibilities especially where others are concerned, kids, siblings... parents.
So, I eventually resigned and it felt good... on to the next one!
Monday, July 18, 2016
A Silent Dreamer
What do you do when you want everything at once???I know, I know...it has been a while. I can feel the major side eye coming at me.
via GIPHY
Let me explain...
So for the past month I've been in a real shitty mood. My emotions have been all over the place to the point where I would find myself crying then 20 minutes later I'd be fine. No, this is not a time of the month thing. I just feel stuck.
I'm at a point where I'm seeing my friends and people my age achieving great things. Attaining degrees, running successful businesses, making major progressions in their careers, becoming mothers etc. and here I am, stuck.
I can imagine what you're thinking...you shouldn't compare your life to others, we're all on a different path etc. I know, I know :(
Do you wanna know my weekly routine? Work, gym and the occasional social gathering. Life is not as simple as the inspirational "go get'em" type quotes we see all over social media. I'm at a point in my life where I feel as though I'm in the exact same position as I was in last year and that is daunting. That is my definition of stuck, hence the constant shitty mood. I feel as though I could spend the rest of this blog post groaning on about how miserable my life is but we must move on...
So what's next???
I. Have. No. Idea.
Lol.
Bet you thought this post had a point huh? Some motivational speech coming your way. Something to brighten up your Monday blues? Not gonna find that here, I'm afraid.
I kid! I mean at this point in time I have nothing inspirational to say but if like me, you find yourself in the same situation, go to the shop get some cake/ice-cream and have a good long cry. When you're done sleep it off and ask yourself what do you want to do now? It is an important question because you're not asking what do you want in the future or even what you want next week. What do you want now?! Like right now. Do you go to work/school as normal. Do you spend the next couple of hours sitting in the park? Is today the day you get out of bed or nah?
Take each day as it comes and somehow a plan starts to formulate...somehow.
I was going to write about the 9-5 life to be fair but I shall leave that to another blog post!
Night folks!
Saturday, May 21, 2016
A Silent Singleton
Hi Guys!
I do hope this blog post finds you well...
If not, just remember you have eyes, a decent Internet connection and the ability to read the ramblings of a 23 year old Londoner. So life's pretty good!
Now smile for me!
Soo from the blog title you can gather what this post is going to be about... uh-huh, I'm going to talk about the single life. Woohoo!
First of all, can I just say being single, not a bad thing. It's not some shameful hat we have to wear to show the world of our damming ways. It's just a temporary thing, unless you're single by choice in which case, do you boo!
That being said, I don't think it's good to sit on your bum, twiddling your thumbs waiting for your knight in shining armour to whisk you off your feet. I'm aiming this one at the ladies! Seriously, you are single for a reason, whether it's by choice or because you keep taking trips to Douchebag'r'Us. Take that single time and work on you!
Now, I'm not going to dissect each and every one of my failed relationships but I will say this: trying to convince yourself that you're ready to be in a relationship is a sure-fire way to a failed relationship. I did this a lot.
The worst thing you can do to yourself (as well as the other person involved) is to tell yourself over and over again that you like this person enough to be in a relationship with them. I did this in my last "relationship" and it wonderfully backfired on me.
I'm sure many can relate to this but it's nice being liked, you know! Especially when the person really likes you and you start to think 'well I'm not going to get any better than this' so you stick around and hope for the best - and that my dears is what you call SETTLING!
So after I got out of my "relationship" I started thinking about stuff, well me, I started thinking about me. It was the first time I asked myself, 'are you actually ready to be with someone? Or were you just lonely?' because those are two different things. Which brings me to my next point...
Don't confuse loneliness with wanting to be in a relationship.
It's like sometimes when you think you're hungry but actually you're just thirsty - this is a thing by the way.
At some point you have to ask yourself, 'am I ready to share myself with somebody else?' I did not realize how important that is until recently because I really wasn't ready for that. Opening myself up, sharing my feelings, talking about my past, I couldn't do it. I was a closed book so yes *Bob, if you're reading this, you were right, kinda. Still a prick though.
So now its time to find yourself, corny, cliché but true. Go on a rediscovery of you. Figure out those things that make you a great person, for me it was rediscovering books again and returning to blogging. I'm loving having time to myself and working towards the things I want to achieve in the future because when you do meet someone and get into a relationship you have to bring something to the table right? What's your ying to his/her yang?
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| Being single means taking the time to admire pretty flowers - Chanel L |
I do love my romantic comedies but boy do they distort some things for me. Typically, I know what to expect out of a relationship because I know what I want but sometimes I do wonder if those things are heavily influenced by the type of movies I've watched over the years - The Notebook, Dear John, Love Rosie type of movies...
Does that type of love even exist?
Anyways! The morale of the story is, don't jump out of the plane if your parachute is not strapped on properly.
That makes sense right? Good.
x
Monday, May 9, 2016
A Silent Rambler: The Diluted Nigerian Edition (Part 2)
Welcome one, welcome all!
Too lavish a greeting? Yeah, I thought as much…
I feel like in my posts I have to address the reader in some
way, acknowledge that there is a presence reading my stuff, judging, waiting…
Ok maybe not judging and waiting but I know somewhere in the world someone is
reading this, so, Hi!
 |
| Pic above - On the bridge leaving Victoria Island - Lagos |
So the ‘Diluted Nigerian’ has returned to Nigeria! After 12 long years, I was reunited with my grandmother. I must admit, I pictured this moment in my head so many times, each time I would burst out crying whilst clinging unto her, cherishing the moment whilst onlookers admired the endearing scene from a distance…dramatic, I know. The reality, not so dramatic but still very cute. Shall I set the scene?
It is a warm, sticky
afternoon in Nigeria. I had just flown into Owerri (my mother’s hometown) on a
local flight from Lagos (pronounced Lay-gohs NOT Lah-gos – If you’ve seen the
new Captain America movie then you’ll understand the reference). My cousin is
waiting for me at the baggage carousel and informs me that my grandmother is
waiting outside by the chairs and I started to consider if waiting for my
luggage to arrive was really worth it, I just wanted to see her. Even in that
moment I could still see myself breaking down crying upon seeing her face, the
tension started building. Swarms of people in front me lazily pulling their
suitcases behind them as they begrudgingly left the cool comfort of the aiport
building into the unwelcoming, sweltering Nigerian heat – how’s that for
dramatics? ;)
It’s like my cousin
could smell the air of impatience around me and insisted on taking my suitcase
as I proceeded to squeeze myself through the crowd. Then I hear her call my
name in her sweet motherly tone, the faces of irrelevant people around me
become blurred and all I can see is my grandma, teary eyed, with frail arms
beckoning me over to her.
Now, don’t get me wrong there was clinging of all sorts, we
hugged, marvelled at how time had aged both of us in different ways and hugged
again. I became teary eyed but that was it. Not a drop rolled down my cheek, I
just simply smiled at her and it was nice. It was a really nice moment, we
walked out of the airport hand in hand and made our way to my cousin’s
air-conditioned car.
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| 'Hand of Rochas' Statue - Owerri |
Sunday, April 24, 2016
A Silent Reflection...
Hallo again!If you happen to be a regular viewer of this blog, I do hope you like the revamp! I thought I'd go for the whole 'New year, New me' look ;)
There are some not-so-hidden extras on the blog now, I'm trying to include a little bit of something for everyone, if you're into that sort of thing otherwise...thanks for swinging by *waves frantically*
So I guess now would be the time to reflect.
As I started writing on the blog again, it felt somewhat different this time round. Looking back at my previous posts from four years ago, I can suddenly feel the change in me. Which is weird, right? Why would it take me 4 years to notice a difference in myself. But life! Life happened and I got so caught up in the changes I barely stopped to come up for air.
It's funny actually, when I rediscovered the blog I randomly started reading my old posts and all I could think was 'Damn! I was really depressed!' so it made me wonder what random people must have thought of me as they read my page.
I'm not afraid to admit now that I needed help, back then was a scary time for me. I felt broken. Lost. Practically inconsolable. Even now when I talk about my depression I play it off as lightly as I could, it's still a tricky subject for me but I know in order to help someone who I believe is going through something similar, I should share my experiences and let them know they have someone there to support them.
Nothing else in this world can isolate you more than depression. I did everything in my power to make those around me believe that I was ok, so much so that every time I plastered a fake smile across my face and said 'Everything's fine' I felt myself die a little inside. I resented myself.
The advancement of social media, medicine, society as a whole has encouraged more people to come forward and talk about their experiences with mental health. We see it represented on our TV shows, various public figures are coming out to tell their stories, we have an entire week dedicated to mental health awareness and yet when I open up about my attempted suicide, I'm met with the same responses. "Oh Chanel, why would you want to kill yourself?" "You shouldn't do that you know, you won't go to heaven"
So naturally I close up, the walls are erected again, the doors are shut, blinds pulled down. Please stop talking.
I know no harm is meant in these type of statements and I don't expect someone to break down crying for me upon hearing that revelation. Just a little empathy. That's it. The decision to take one's life is not as simple as the decision to pop down to the shops for some bread.
After my first suicide attempt (yes, there was more than one) I remember the nurse asking me how I felt and I said I felt disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn't even get a suicide attempt right.
I didn't see myself going to heaven, I didn't see myself getting better, I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I certainly didn't see how it would affect those who cared about me. All I saw was a loophole out of my situation and death was that loophole.
If I could describe my depression in one word it would be 'darkness'. From the way that I viewed the world, to how I felt inside everyday. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy and it's certainly not something people should be afraid to talk about. I'm trying to find a way to bring out positive outcomes from my past experiences.
I'm not magically healed from depression, believe me it has been a long and stressful journey to the Chanel that I am today! I still have down days and I'm petrified that at any moment I could relapse back into my depressive thoughts but I'm surrounded by good people who have supported me through my lowest moments. My faith in Christ has been the foundation for my recovery and writing has really helped me release pent up tension.
So eventually things do get better because I can't sugar-coat it and tell you that all problems magically disappear in one go. They don't. The human mind is fragile and there are some things we can never fully recover from but we learn to live with it. We learn to slowly release all pain and anguish and finally allow love back in because it's possible and we are awesome.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
A Silent Blogger: Updates
People are still saying 'Happy New year' right?If so, then here is a very, very unbelievably belated Happy New Year to the folks who are still coming across this page. :D
I guess I should address the elephant in the room: why I'm back...
It's been playing on my mind for a while ...like for 4 years as that was the last time I posted something. Hehe sorry about that!
I figured that you either get busy doing or get busy dying - I think that's the saying. I'm not after awards, accolades or attention, I'm here because I'm a silent rambler. I have something to say and writing helps me to get out the words I'm too afraid to say out loud.
SO I'M BACK BITCHES!
I have updates on my life. As this is a personal blog, I think you should know what I've been up to in the past 4 years if you wanna know I guess... ;)
Uni: So as I mentioned in previous blog posts I was feeling quite confused about university and the life I had created for myself. Long story short, I left the following year. It was a hard decision but I was really unhappy, like really unhappy. It didn't feel like I was progressing forward with my life so I decided to take a gap year (by that time I was in employment) and never returned. No regrets.
There will be a more detailed blog post on this in the near future.
Work: I'm currently in full time employment at a university in London (ironic, no?)...have been so for almost two years now. Yikes! It has been my longest running job to date and I feel hella grown up, however I'm the youngest in my department sooo yeah.
Home life: In the year I decided to leave uni for good I also moved out of my family home. That one wasn't such a huge decision to make. When being in a negative situation starts to physically affect your health then you gotta get out right? I've been moving around quite a bit but not fully settled yet, however I'm happy, so all is well.
Love life: Haha! Doesn't exist.
I promise this is not some random annual post, I will stick around this time. There's no scheduled time for the posts it's just going to be as and when I can, so watch this space! - I'm happy that I have now applied that phrase into a sentence. :D
Chanel
x
Sunday, October 21, 2012
A Committed Me
Helloo! *George Takei's voice*This is just a quick update into the very uninteresting life of yours truly!
However things have just got interesting as I've decided to do a sponsored skydive next month to raise money for Stand Up 2 Cancer, which is a charity created by the media (believe it or not) to aid Cancer Research.
My mother passed away from breast cancer almost four years ago, I almost lost an aunt (who was also a very close friend to my mum) to cancer and unfortunately I've had two friends who have lost one of their parents to cancer. So as you can see cancer has become far too familiar and comfortable with humanity. Let's face it, it scares the shit out of you doesn't it?
I always believed that fear was a state of mind, its all in your head. I still do, but if you asked me what my fears were you'd probably want to place my head on your shoulder and pat it sympathetically or you'd just slap me. Either way I can admit that I have some pretty irrational fears, however my fear of cancer seems somewhat rational, but it shouldn't right? Not for me, or you or anyone!
So these past couple of weeks, those were the thoughts that were racing through my head and I thought why not play tit for tat with cancer. Confront one of my biggest fears in order to challenge the other, at first the plan was to touch a spider but I'd rather be dead, and cremated, before that happens. So like any sane human being I went for bigger! Heights scare me, what's more death defying and terrifying than free falling from a plane whilst being 10.000 ft up in the air? Touching spiders that's what!
So that's what it is my dear reader, I'm going to literally take a leap of faith (a giant one at that) to raise money, to defeat my fear of heights, to challenge the odds of cancer, to make my mama proud, to make my sisters never forget, to give something back to the woman who raised my sisters and I for 15 years before she took her rightful place in heaven.
Wish me luck!
I welcome everyone's support and donations so please feel free to check my page (listed below) and donate as much (or as little) as you can!
www.justgiving.com/Chanel-Leadeham
